MissHaps

RAW.

It’s been a while since I wrote something randomly. I’ll admit, there have been a lot of attempts to go back to writing and update the blog (that obviously failed). Maybe the reason why those attempts failed is because I had the wrong objective. My main point is just to update the blog which ends to a lot of “required” things that I want to do with the blog. Well, being in a marketing field for almost 10 years now, I hope I’ve developed enough skills in my craft which is why I feel the pressure in making the blog to have a proper content (not to mention that I just finished a Complete Digital Marketing course which added to the pressure). My point exactly? I want to make this blog big that I don’t know how to position the “brand” hence the content creation to update the blog. You get what I mean?

Now, let’s go back to basic. Without thinking of how disconnected this entry is to the “positioning” that I want to. Today, I just want to write what my heart’s situation is (coz I think I need this outlet otherwise…) oh well. Too much intro. Let’s begin.

Depression. (how’s this for a come back?)

The past few months, I’ve been questioning a lot of things. Work, career, long distance relationships, sacrifices, purpose… and the list goes on. But I think, the peak (and the scariest) of my emotions is this last few weeks. I might be in trouble discussing this as mental health is something that we need to take seriously but this is just me, my thoughts and my journey.

I get people who undergo depression but people who take their own lives because of depression was something I am not getting much. I (somehow) managed to see things in brighter perspective and, being active in a community since I was a kid, I thought it’s because of lack of faith (I might disagree here in the latter part, or not). I am not perfect. Not even close to 20% of being one. And I am not even a part of any community now since I moved to the Middle East neither I am attending church activities nor hearing mass every Sunday which I used to do back in the Philippines; but I never fail to resort to Him every time I feel down or stressed or confused and it calmed me. Not until some time few weeks back.

Few weeks back, I started feeling down. I thought, it was just hormones. But then I realized, it was way too early for my schedule so I just shrugged it off and indulge myself to mind-consuming activities. I kept myself busy with self-study, reading, research, etc. I had a quick vacation in the Philippines where I just spent time with my family thinking that the thoughts will run away as I am back to my comfort zone.
But I failed. It even got worse. What can get worse than suicidal thoughts? I just mentioned that I don’t get people taking their lives because of depression but here I am, having such thoughts. Again, I resorted to Him. I attended mass, read the bible and daily reflections, listened to praise songs, but it is not helping. The noise in my head is getting louder and louder. Songs that used to soothe me like Take Me or In Your Arms by Ablaze made it worse.

“Take me, I am Yours.” – I interpreted this as a call for death…

“And I lift my hands, to You Lord, I surrender.” – I took this as I sign of giving up.

The prayers of the faithful in one Sunday mass that I attended says, “Lord, unite us with your love” also meant that this is the end.

I reached to a point where I am researching for some clinics here in the UAE for consultation. I even reached out to my friends and tried to ask the symptoms of depression and what to do to prevent it. I shut down, I kept quiet, I didn’t want to speak to anyone, I wanted to be alone.

Turning point? First was when my mom and my dad separately messaged me asking how I was. How’s things and how they just kept sharing stories from the Philippines and about the family. Secondly, I was browsing through my IG feed and saw one post that says “Your miracle could just be a prayer away.” then again I pleaded. Asked for guidance, strength and courage. I embraced the situation and trusted Him and just tried to look at the brighter side of things. I still have my mood swings. I still have a lot of questions. I am just living day by day. Thankfully, the suicidal thoughts are not bothering me now. Now, I can say, I got a better understanding of depression. And yes, if there will be a triggering situation, suicidal is really possible.

So yeah, how’s this for a come back? but like what the movie 3 Idiots always say, “All is well.”

DISCLAIMER: I wasn’t able to get a proper consultation hence the depression stated here is just my journey without any clinical diagnosis.